Today I decided to fast. It is a way to punish myself for eating an entire pizza last night. Well, it was the only thing I ate for the entire day, and I used whole-wheat flour and vegan home-made mozzarella, but still. I think I deserve to starve for a day, despite what the scale says. I actually noticed that the less I eat, the less I want to eat. It is marvellous how the human body, and how fucked up my mind can be at times. I actually started to find food somehow disgusting: sometimes it is the consistency of the food, sometimes the way it smells, sometimes it is the color.
(and now a little rant over silly internet shit I happen to read)
Juice does not make me gag though, so I decided to drink only that for a day or two - that and the "Fasting Tea" I found at the local grocery store. Because - and I had no clue this is actually a thing - fasting is a "lifestyle". No, really - look it up. Now, I was aware of what Anorexia Mirabilis is - and found it incredibly fascinating. It is deeply different from Anorexia Nervosa, and a dead phenomenon by now. Nobody starves themselves for religious reasons anymore, it is all about the body image, or a punishment, or pretty much any other reason you could find. But not religion, not anymore.
So, I knew fasting could be linked to Christianity, but I couldn´t even fathom that some people would think of starvation with juices as a lifestyle. A lifestyle mind you, not a diet. Do not worry about the headaches you will get, they will go away. Or the cravings. And no, this diet does not include smoothies or milkshakes. Once the toxins leave your body you´ll feel much better (nevermind that is not how toxins work). Keep on juicing!
There are some people that go as much as do this for 60 days, and this is supposed to be healthy. I am not an expert on nutrition (how the fuck could I, with what I go through everyday), but I am fairly certain that you do need your proteins, and calcium, and K2 to connect said calcium to your bones, and your B12 and D3 and A. Some of those you cannot get from fresh produce, no matter how much you wish it would happen.
You see, you can call it fasting all you want, but at the end of the day, you are still not eating. You are depriving your body of food and nutrients that it needs to survive, so it is no difference from what AN sufferers do. The difference from what I can gather is in the quality of the juice. DIY your juice with a very expensive machine and fresh, organic produce and there you go. You are not starving yourself, you are detoxifying your body. Why is that different from I do? How is that okay with society, but what I do is not? Why is that promoted on websites as a natural healthy way of living? I am not questioning the harmful way I treat my body - with or without my consent most of the times - I am fully aware that what I do is dangerous, and not okay, I am questioning that lifestyle. Is it in the intentions behind your actions? Is that okay because they can stop, and I simply cannot?
(end of the rant, back to the journal)
An entire pizza has really shaken my day. It made me feel full, and incredibly guilty. And sick to the stomach, too. I didn´t eat carbs in weeks without immediately run to the toilet, and yesterday I did. It made me feel incredibly self-conscious, almost painfully so. It does not matter if the pants are starting to be baggy, if the shirt falls from my shoulders, if the bra has room now. It does not matter, the skinny girl inside my head keeps on screaming I am screwing up all of our conjoined efforts. I am truly developing a fear of food. No, that is not true. I am becoming conscious of my fear of food. In other words, it is getting worse - and I do know that knowing is the first step to get better, but it is not for me. I had set goals for myself, and I have to reach and achieve them.
My fear of being in public for too long, my terror at social encounters with strangers - that might go away once I am no longer ashamed of my body. My artist block, my inability to lift a pencil or a brush. I always feel like I do not deserve to be a creative person, if I do not have the body to sponsor those pieces of work. If I am not beautiful enough, I have no right to create and draw beautiful women and work on those story-lines involving strong confident women. How can I, when the best I can do is hide in flattering shadows? How can I write of beauty, when I feel and offense to aestheticism?
And the strangest thing is, what applies to me - this fucked up logic, does not apply to others. In my head, it does not apply to others. You do not have to be beautiful to paint, or sing, or dance. You do not have to be thin to speak to people and have friends. But I do.
I have to pick a pencil, I really have to. I have a commission due to the end of this month, for a book - and if I do not manage I will not only piss off the publisher, I will also lose a great chance. And that because I have to count calories and check my BMI at any given moment of my day. And research stupid ways of punish myself that do not include a blade and some blood-soaked paper tissues.
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