Journal #1

Today I found myself rummaging in the trash bag. Two times. I was desperately looking for the envelope of the fish I bought two days ago. To check the calories, which I already did several times in the grocery store. When I pulled my hands out they were covered in mold, tomatoes seeds and rotting low-calorie cheese...

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Dinner time terrifies me. It literally gives me chills. I think about it since the moment I put down the fork after lunch. I think about it while I clean the dishes, while I paint, while I smoke my afternoon cigarette. And it scares me - the obsession, the calories, if it is going to be enough to fill me up until the next morning. Until I can get more food inside of me, and hate myself for it.

I think about food constantly. CONSTANTLY. It is in the nature of Mia, to make me think about food all the time. It is in my nature to get easily obsessed and dependent. 

Mia is dirty. I realized that. It is dirty and disgusting, and it makes you crawl on your bathroom floor. That is why today I tried my hardest not to binge. And how hard it is...

And yet I did not. I did not sit down in front of the fridge, cooked for hours, ordered 3 large pizzas. I didn´t, and this, this stupid act makes me a little happy. Makes me feel less empty, as I were in control.

(Unlike yesterday, when you ate bread and sausages and whatever was in front of you until your stomach was hurting of how full it was... and then, empty again - with puffy red cheeks, tears, and bloodshot eyes.)

I had dinner, my usual 3 cups of green tea, my appetite suppressant pill. I can manage. I can go on until tomorrow, and I can go to sleep knowing I managed to survive another day in control of myself.

The entire dinner was about 180 calories. I should not feel guilty, right? Right?

There is a voice, Mia´s voice, inside my head that tells me I should...